this time around

"It is good to be near God" Ps 73

I forget this sometimes. I get so wrapped up in reaching, stretching for Him and His way that I forget He's near, here.

I forget that His way is outside of this world. That it isn't like the always moving, always doing, always thinking way that we try to do life.

I forget that in the beginning it was just Him. And that He was enough. That there were no periods or phases or directions or goals. That He doesn't need all of that. Any of that.

I forget how complete He is. How simple He is. How perfect He is.

I make Him into a list. Into an event. Into a slot in my schedule. I try to wrap Him up with time and convenience. I try to label Him with emotions and feelings. I restrict Him to my needs and struggles. My view of myself, of my importance gets bigger while I try to make Him smaller still.

I decide that I know Him well enough. That I don't need to be reminded of all the little things. That I'm far along in my walk. That I can walk.

And then I realize that I'm walking alone. Away from Him. That I'm going no where, going in circles. And He's standing there, looking at me, watching me. Waiting for me to stop moving, waiting for me to see. To notice. Him.

Sometimes I don't walk, sometimes I run, stagger, crawl. Sometimes I make myself so dizzy that life gets really blurry, and my focus goes away.

Sometimes He has to push me down, to hold me down. Just to wake me up. To remind me. Sometimes He has to save me from myself.

I think if He didn't do that- if He didn't shake me now and then, I think I would still be wandering ignorantly around. Holding hand with the little god I've made instead of Him. While life flies by me. While I miss out on being His.

I'm so glad that He loves me enough to remind me of how small I am. And of how badly I do life without Him. I love who I am in Him. I love what He does to me.