wake

I had to buy an umbrella today. The sky was cloudy and wet and cold. I had to say goodbye to summer and my brother today also. The weather and I were sad together.

This is what I think faith is: being at peace even when you have no idea what is going on around you. It's resting on the single fact that He knows your sorry insides and messy outside and that before time existed He made your life into something blindingly beautiful

At times I feel constant. Like I can not be moved, can not fall. And then He shakes me. And when I fall on my face, I fall at His feet. I am a steady struggle. I love Him desperately, but I love myself more. I have moments when all I can do is sigh, I feel so right. And then other moments. When I can't shake the feeling that something is missing.

I consistently crave. And sometimes it is so strong and raw that my body hurts. I crave that part of being alive that moves the inside of me. And the more words and conversations I have, the more unsatisfied I become. Sometimes when I'm sitting in the midst of talking, talking, talking, I feel as far away from myself as I can get. When all I really want is to get it. To be understood. To be read.

But being read is scary, isn't it? You know who you really are. And you know: that the person who everyone thinks you are doesn't exist. Sometimes I feel so worn out and tired from chasing myself, that I want to lie down and simply focus on breathing. In and out.

So here it is: I am a mess. I'm unfaithful to my God. I am selfish. My thought life isn't nice. I cling to sin. My heart is walled and messy and skeptical. I simply forget Him. I am passive and abrasive and needy.

And here is my God: He is the only thing that ever makes sense. He's never left me. He is the definition of sacrifice, He is my key, my smile. He doesn't need me. But He wants me. He is my craving, my fix.

And that's how faith works. It's the understanding of how miserable you are without Him and how glorious you are with Him. So that no matter how tidy and neat and pleasantly boring your life may seem, He turns it into your greatest adventure. He gives you eyes to see and ears to hear and laughter from the deepest parts of you. A new beginning every day, and a new perspective every night. He is the secret ingredient in your confidence, the gleam in your eye. He holds your head high and keeps your heart tender. And with Him all things are possible. Hallelujah.

And do you know what? He is my happy ending. My happy ending that goes on forever and ever and ever. Amen.


" No human word is even remotely adequate to convey the mysterious and furious longing of Jesus for you and me to live in His smile and hang on His words. But union comes close, very close. It is a word pregnant with a reality that surpasses understanding, the only reality worth yearning for with love and patience, the only reality before which we should stay very quiet.

I've decided that if I had my life to live over again, I would not only climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets, I wouldn't only jettison my hot water bottle, raincoat, umbrella, parachute and raft; I would not only go barefoot earlier in the spring and stay out later in the fall, but I would devote not one more minute to monitoring my spiritual growth. No, not one.

What would I actually do if I had it to do all over again? Heeding John's counsel, I would simply do the next thing in love."

Brennan Manning, The Furious Longing of God.