the high way.

What is it about night? And the dark. That can make you feel completely alone. All day you look forward to going home, to being home. And then you finally get there and you aren't sure why you wanted to be there in the first place. Your books don't look as appealing, the t.v. just drones on and on. Cooking dinner for one, not worth it. You don't usually think like this, but every once in a while, the night catches you off guard. And you no longer remember why being alone is not terrible.

During the day, I'm completely content. And happy. I smile with children and answer thousands of questions and swing as high as I can. And at the end of the day, I'm just weary for calm. But as soon as I step into the calm, it becomes unbearable. I turn the T.V. on for noise, I talk to myself, I hum. But those are all sorry substitutes for what I'm really craving.

Maybe it's because I'm completely alone in my singleness in this funny little town. Or too many romantic comedies. Maybe it's seeing budding playground romances that send me into a mental spiral that quickly becomes emotional and we all know, I'm not good at that.

But I'm not sure- that what I'm really craving is meeting someone who makes me forget about feeling empty. I think I want something bigger than that. I want more than the goosebumps and loud laughs and swishing dresses. I want to know that when I look at that person, I'm looking at someone who understands my soul. Someone who makes the quiet bearable.

And I'm not sure that someone is the solution. To the night, the dark, the calm. I think that might be asking too much. And that those hopes and wishes are what get us in trouble. Because it's not realistic to expect someone to fill all the holes.

Here's where I tell myself that God is the filler, my all, my answer. I tell that to myself a lot. But sometimes, I don't want my dissatisfaction explained and rationed away. It's almost a relief, a phew. I had always thought that being strong meant being self-sufficient. Being above wistful thinking and illogical day dreaming. For a while I thought I would just be alone. That that was what I was good at. But sometimes I think that maybe. Maybe I'd be alright at being with someone. Maybe I would even do it well.

Here's what I'm learning. That it's ok to hope for someone. It's ok to pray for him, whoever he is, wherever he is. It's not something to be ashamed of, it's not needy or weak or silly. It's part of what makes us human. And human is what He made me. I'm learning that.

But at the same time, I'm not desperate for it. I'm not miserable waiting for it. My dad asked me if I was lonely. I told him that I thought everyone was. I can handle lonely nights. And I love lonely mornings. I really am ok. I'm really happy actually, I smile often. But I have to be honest. I have bad days too. And I want what most girls want. I'm just not ok with sitting at home waiting for it. I don't have much time here. I would like to use it well.

Maybe those cliches that we tell ourselves, maybe they have a little truth in them. And maybe they don't. Maybe we invented them to make ourselves feel better about being alone. To explain why we are alone. As if it's something awful. As if it's a punishment or a result of some unforgivable character flaw. But really, we're just forgetting. That who we are and what we're worth isn't based on who we are with. It's based on who made us. Who loves us into eternity.

This I'm still learning.