I am an inside person.  Not inside like indoors, but inside as in I keep it all in me until it burns and then slowly makes its way out.  Some days I wish more than anything that I was more of an outside, outloud person.  But I'm not.

Someone once told me that I was high maintenance.  I disagreed at the time, but maybe he was right.  I expect a lot out of life.  I expect even more from myself.  I long for character. 

I watched The Moon Spinners with my mom this weekend.  We were sitting there and she said Tasha it's too bad you weren't born back then.  

I know.  Those dresses are awesome.

But more than that, life had a certain weight about it.  Like something that you could crawl into and pull tight around your shoulders.  

Now I talk to whoever pops up on my computer screen while my phone chirps at me.  There's something cold and ambiguous about it all.

I used to be really good at letter writing. 

Some days I want a real cup of tea.  I want cookies from the oven and hair dried by the air.  Some days I get tired of being efficient and fast and so very convenient.  God, I don't want to be convenient.

I want to be better at hearing.  I want to be more than empty thoughtless words, I want to mean something.  To meet life and look at it closely enough to see its face.  To take hold of the bad moments and help push them back with someone.

I want to be brave.

I want to fight.

I want to stand. 

And I want to wear a great dress while I'm doing it.   Because everything is better in a dress.

I read Ecclesiastes today.  Chapter five is my favorite because it makes me feel better about my lack of words.  And because it reminds me of how very large our God is and how small and fragile my thoughts are.

Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.
Do not be quick with your mouth,
       do not be hasty in your heart
       to utter anything before God.
       God is in heaven
       and you are on earth,
       so let your words be few.
As a dream comes when there are many cares,
       so the speech of a fool when there are many words.
When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.  It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, "My vow was a mistake." Why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the work of your hands?  Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God.