Last night I was in one of THOSE moods.  Kaun sat back and said he'd never seen it before.  Abbie saw it and jumped right in with me.  And I paraded that mood all over the place.  When I left I apologized.  I'm sorry, this wasn't my best night.  Abbie looked at me.  Not your best?  I smiled. Not my worst either.

Earlier that week we met for coffee.  I had sleep on my face and had flown out the door in my boots and a summer dress.  Waging my own war against winter.  I told her I have put 15,000 miles on my car in less than 8 months and that I have got to get out of here soon.  She said we must be the most restless girls alive and I nodded.

This world, these streets and this small piece of earth that I wake to every morning, it all is not enough for me.  I do not have my own address and part of me is not sure what I would do with one besides feel a little false inside, a little tight and choked. 

I went to lunch with my mother because it is all starting to take me over and I can feel my soul mutinying and my mind screaming and my heart.  My heart?  My heart is sleeping through this whole bloody battle.  That's the problem, I told my mom.  The problem is that I am terribly excited about some things and terribly against others and my moods are becoming unbearable because my heart is not there to balance me.

My classmates, they have something that I do not.  They have great ambition.  But I am hungry for something different than success.  I do not spend my days in the library and my nights in the coffee shop because I want to be a widely popular novelist or a linguist or a scholar.  Sometimes my stomach hurts because there is so much to do and to learn and I am not enough for it all.  And sometimes my face breaks into a stretching grin because a small part has come together in my mind.  I spend my time over text books and notes and journals because this is the hardest thing I can think to do right now.

And maybe, maybe if I can do something like this and keep at it until it is over, then maybe I can do something even greater someday.  I am pushing myself and sometimes I push a little too far, but I am pushing.  And that is important to me.  I am hungry for perseverance and integrity because I am watching people fall apart for lack of it. 

Sometimes when I think of all there is to do and all this is costing me, I question myself.  But whenever I question Him, when I say His name and tell Him that I do not understand, that I am not sure, I feel good enough for one more day.  And then one more. 

It is a very good thing to be weak when you have Jesus.  It is good to have those moods and those moments that are dark because light means so much more.  Jesus died for me because I desperately needed to be saved.  Every day I need to be saved. 

And that is what I am hungry for.