Sunday nights are wretched.

But do you know, I got to see Mary Poppins this weekend, and I was breathless the whole time.  Partly because the rows of seats are so tight and the man I was sitting next to was giant.  But mostly because there is little I like better than lovely voices and costumes and stories.

Yesterday I got away early in the morning because I have a large week ahead of me.  I meant to study.  But I snagged this great seat by the window.  And they made my latte perfectly.  The sun was even shining.

So I did the only reasonable thing. 

I read really great words.  I sat there humming softly with tears and a smile that I could not stop.  I read in John and Hosea.  I heard His voice in their words about first loves and really living.

And then I wrote it all down, all of the struggling and the anger and the fear.  Look God, I don't know what to do with this.  I don't know how to handle my sin lately.  There are these people that I've met and I'm falling in love with them.  I want them to know You, they'd love You if they did, but I'm not sure how to be light. 

Light is only part of me.  I'm not sure how to keep my dark and sin from mingling with theirs.  Jesus, I need more of you.  So much more.  I have never been in the middle of so many lost people, of so many false words.

We get it so wrong.  The part that scares me is that I see myself in them sometimes.  Mostly in the fear that we share.  And then I read that fear is not found in perfect love and I remembered You. 

Even when I remember, I forget. 

I did not want to leave, I wanted to stay there forever.  All at once it did not matter to me that life makes no sense, that I do not know why I am here or where I am going to next.  All that mattered was Him and His love for me.  His love that my mind does not understand, His love that I do not deserve.

His love that makes me dizzy with thankfulness.