I can not believe January is almost over.

I can not believe a lot of things these days, but today the hardest to get my mind around is January's end.  I was in the kitchen scrubbing on a sink full of dishes and singing badly with Norah Jones when it hit me.  May is three months away.  Just this week I have filled the month of February and half of March,  I have marked my calendar into this summer.  Me who hates calendars.  Me who hates too much structure.  Me who is now clinging to it, staking out days and passing out evenings with the promise of change and goodbyes banging in the back of my mind.

So much of my day is spent preparing for later on-- for that morning of the exam, for the showers for my sister, for final projects, moving days, decorating, making sure my body fits into that dress, making sure my body fits into a different life.  So much of my day is practice.  Practice exam questions.  Practice writing.  Practice cooking.  Practice relationship building.

I'm starting to fixate.  Things I did before, I am doing with precision.  I will not only scrub the dishes, I will scrub the whole kitchen.  Launder all the things.  Break all the habits.  Read all the books.  Part of me is standing in the background, watching myself and shaking my head.  We all know how this is going to end.

With me on my face hopefully, where I belong when I let life get way too big.  And then I'll sit up, cry at His feet, and remember that everything I'm spending time preparing for is nothing compared to what He is preparing me for.  Fool, Tasha.  

Gosh, I am glad for Him.