Last night I sat in front of the happy lite for thirty minutes so that I would be a better wife when Husband got home from work.  Every day I have been making it to class to spin the winter blues out.  This morning I woke with plans to tidy the whole house because I am a nicer person in a clean space.

Instead there is a second cup of coffee sitting to my right and the book that I am careful to open is turned to Romans and my old, red journal has new ink and praise is playing over the speakers and I am sitting here, moving from tears to nodding and back to tears.

I have been here for hours, now.  I was feeling so burnless and worn and He has been fire and kindness in spite of my unfaithfulness.  I read Romans and was crumbled by Paul's words because this dry season has lasted long and this heart is so hungry for connection and companionship and Lord I have asked for so long and still, I am asking this:

"I long to see you that I might impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong-- that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."

Always, my struggle has been Christ and the body and the resentment and the disappointment I feel after Sunday mornings and week day coffee conversations and small group nights.  I had coffee a couple weeks ago with a friend who confided that she has always been the listener, that she is not sure her friends really know her heart. Me too, sometimes.  And I am working on my part in that.  I am working on not letting conversation isolate me, on pursuing relationships that hear, I am working on being louder. I sometimes leave The Body with Ecclesiastes roaring in my head: Let your words be few and stand in Awe, church.  Stand in awe, Tasha.

And here He was this morning, working on me some more.  Preparing me for things greater than I can do, now.  Here He is, cutting my words down and meeting me-- teaching me awe and challenging me to encourage loudly His people.

It has been a long season because you have become too good at waiting, silly girl.
Oh.