This is the last week of summer vacation and the knot in my stomach has been growing for the last month.  Soon, I am going to be responsible for children learning numbers and theories and soon I will be in a classroom I have not yet been in, teaching things I have never taught.  I've been trying to look at it all as a blessing: this job that is not quite the right fit for me.  I have been telling myself that I will fall in love with these children too and that maybe I will love math a little more than I do now.  I am also doubting myself.  Second guessing the decision to be in a room of little students again.  Yearning for a quiet office somewhere with a window and my computer and pots and pots of coffee.  If only writing were something a little more concrete.  If only sitting at a desk staring at a screen for hours was something real and not fake sounding.

Someday I will get past myself and my complexes.  Someday I will be perfectly at peace with the idea of sitting and writing and thinking and proudly calling all of that a job.

Until then, I will be here, bracing myself for the politics and expectations and pressures of education.  And by here I mean on the couch.  Watching copious amounts of Call The Midwife and eating pineapple licorice.

Someone help.