David Gray.  Boots.  Tights.  Pie.  Cold morning runs.  Leaves.

Fall has me so homesick this year.  Fall has me driving to the farthest coffee in town and drinking mocha until the place closes down.  Last night we walked and walked and walked and still I was thirsty for more.  I woke this morning aching for my parent's house.  For omelets with dad after walking fast (no sauntering!) with mom and the dog around the loop.  For coffee with sister.  And for scarf wrapping, cute city layers, the trees with the leaves, football on in the background, movie nights, bonfires, piles of quilts.

 

This morning I stayed in bed for an hour looking through old photos.  Pandora played all of the songs I loved when I lived in the perfect studio, when I was pushing through graduate school, pushing through being single and navigating the mad dating world.  One thing I want to be sure of: living each season well.  Some I am still in and some I am done with.  And I love the way He brought me through (I was fabulous at being single, fabulous).  

Husband and I have been in this "married" season for a couple years now and lately we are having to fight to live it well.  I want to discover you, still.  I want to know more than your day, I want to know your night too.  And I want to know the small forgotten things.  What did you want to be when you were five?  Did your father play with you?  Were you quiet in school?  Do you want to raise boys or girls?  Can you imagine me as a mother?  I'm not sure I can.

It is so easy to get along nicely without really getting anywhere.  It is so easy to eat a dinner together and then sit side by side on the couch without really being there, you know?  And I am noting the similarities lately between the way I was and the way I am now and I don't want to be okay with that.  I want to have grown by now.  I want to be changed by you.  

When we marry we marry immeasurable potential.  Who knows what two people can be, can make?  And in the beginning it is wildly exciting and wildly disturbing.  We can be a great aligned force.  We can be terror and great discord.  And maybe it gets easier as time goes by to become something in the middle: a little aligned, a little disconnected and neither great.  I am deciding that the middle is the worst place to be.  The middle feels invisible, shallow, dead, and unchanging.  

And I want to someday look back through this all and I want to have changed with you.