Sunday, June 28, 2015

Maybe it is strange to sit in a space and with only two words for minutes and minutes, to be so simple and primitive with language and emotion thank you, thank you, Father, thank you, thanks.

Maybe it is equally strange to have few opinions, to be resolute and dogged about the even fewer principles, to sit through a historic weekend and to come out of it deciding to pursue that man harder, to study him deeper, to do larger things for this marriage we have entered and to hold fast, love.

Strangest of all though, it has to be, is to pull out of a week of resounding "no," and to have that quiet moment with your soul-  I'm feeling small and weak in the innermost part of me for the first time I can remember- the part of me that has always been strong, it's so tired.  To walk away from that shaking, quaking moment a little teary- yes, desperate (of course), but honest.  Exposed.  Listen, I had this heart to heart with Him and He knows me because He searches me and so He found this: I'm caught off guard right now, I'm totally taken aback, I've never had to wait for a thing in my life, not really.  And I've never had my body not do what I wanted it to.  Is that strange?  To feel betrayed by yourself?  To sit on the patio in the morning with your cup of coffee and your bleeding soul and that middle part of you that refuses to comply?

But then, He had to have a part in this: the way my mind moved over the little loves I've already met.  The children He has given me for months, maybe even years (bless).  The ragged monsters who I love.  And the promise of a new year filled with children, a new year of loving little tiny somethings who will someday be big things.  Maybe my heart isn't ready for my own.  Maybe it has more loving to do on the others.

And maybe that's not it at all.  Maybe I don't have a clue about what He has coming.  I'm learning that that is

strangely okay.

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