I haven't written him much, mostly because I understand the power words have when written down, the way they try to pin a person into an essay or a shape or even a sentence and the vibrancy they can sometimes strip when taking a dynamic subject and attempting to make it static, two dimensional or somewhat flat.

But there's another power that words hold when you write as closely to the truth as you can.  When you are careful and cautious and very, very particular about the way you describe any living thing, you can sometimes lift hidden pieces, give volume to the quiet parts, fashion a narrative that honors and breathes- sometimes.

I have been thinking about him all day.  It started in the bathroom when he brought me my coffee and set it outside the shower even though the night before we had had a bit of a row and I had gone silently to bed.  And then later this morning, when I was putting on my moisturizer I could hear him giggling in the room over with our little boy.  His character in words started bouncing around in my head.

I have always told everyone who asks me about us that I married a better person than I am and in many ways that is true.  Nathan Cropper is steady and faithful and kind when I am rolling and doubting and judgmental.

The first time we spent time together, just the two of us, was on bikes-- him on a mountain bike from that decade, me on my aunt's old bike from college and we rode on a rocky, long road and in hail and rain and still, it was fun.  Since marrying him, he has pushed my body into spaces I never would have dreamed of going on my own.  We have climbed mountains together, seen views 15 miles up, gone over rock shelves and shale and giant roots and he has made me feel so brave.  I live larger married to him.  Play was our glue in the beginning and then, almost two years ago, we had a sweet, tiny boy and play shifted for us, our glue changed.

The wonderful thing about Nate is the way he loves.  Watching him become a father lit up parts in my heart I didn't know weren't lit.  He is Brennan's favorite person and every day with dada is the new best day.  He is up late at night rebuilding a bike for him, putting together pallets to make climbing walls, spending all of his free time constructing a new, better fence.  He is also the sort of dad who worries about what kind of plastic his son's cup is made out of and if it is sitting in the sun or the shade.  He puts more sunscreen on Brennan than I do, gets up in the night with him, makes sure the produce is always well washed.

He loves me well, too.  He consistently elevates my voice, listens to my parenting ideas, supports my need to be home during this season, supports my need to rearrange furniture at 11 pm, supports my innate need for space and boundaries.  He teaches our son to call me pretty mama instead of just mama, He says thank you no matter what it is I put in front of him at dinner, He fights hard but apologizes just as humbly.  If you've ever heard Nate pray, you've seen the truest, most beautiful side of him.  I could listen to him talk to The Father all day long.  I tried to buy him an extravagant gift for his birthday and he smiled; I tried to buy it again on our anniversary and on Fathers Day and he told me we should wait a while (which means a good ten years in his world).  Because Nate rarely puts himself first and he does this so well that he doesn't notice or keep track or tally anything.  He is a hard worker, he is sought after, most of all: he is interesting.  He is designing and building his second coffee roaster.  He is nerdy about where he buys his coffee beans.  He plays with his 3d printer and with his cad program and with house designs.  He built me the bathroom of my dreams and he indulges all (most) of my decorating schemes.

I am more than head over heels for this man, I am deeply, deeply grateful.  And I am constantly challenged to live worthy of our Savior because of the quiet, steady way he lives.  We have been reminded this past month that we are in a race, the two of us and our little boy and there is no one else I would race better with.  There is no one else on this earth who could make me feel as capable and alive as he does.

He is the best man I know and everyday I have with him is my best day, too.