Live how you used to Dream

Even though time isn't very structured here, I feel like it moves a lot faster. Maybe it's because I'm absorbing an entirely new culture and the little things that I've always just done are no longer small in this world. Transportation, laundry, food prep and brushing teeth all have a certain art here. Sometimes I feel like I'm three all over again, but this time my mom isn't around to show me what to do. Makes life interesting.

I got to go to an orphanage- exciting, yeah? Well that's what I thought on the way there. I think Americans glamorize life a lot, especially the fantasy of orphanages. It wasn't the enchanting experience I thought it was going to be. It was the saddest place of my life. I found a little boy laying on the tile floor and picked him up. He hadn't had his clothes changed in forever and they don't use diapers so he reeked. I almost threw up when I smelled him. And he looked so sad. Like he had already given up on life. Made me kind of want to rush in and save him, but then I wondered what I would be saving him for- he probably doesn't have much of a chance of being successful or living anywhere but the streets when he gets older if he makes it that far. Made me stop and think a bit. Life is so sad sometimes. It's hard for me to reconcile my God that I love with what I'm seeing here. I think it's going to be a process, but I'm excited to explore that area of faith.

It was pretty convicting actually. In Mali, something as simple as eye contact can give someone the wrong idea. As girls we are told to never look guys in the eye and to ignore them when they try to talk to us on the street. It just makes it simpler, easier for us. Well, I've gotten pretty good at it. I even started to get annoyed with the people we passed on the streets. Then I found myself in this place with unwanted babies who had been abandoned and forgotten and all I wanted to do was save them all. If they had been fifteen years older, would I have cared as much? It's funny the value that we designate to people.

So this week my heart's been troubled and shaken up and I'm so glad. Sometimes I just forget what it's like to really feel about things that are worthy of being messed up about. It encourages me to know that as my heart is being broken and grown, God is moving inside me- opening up those areas that have been closed for so long and working in spite of my foolish ideas about this life He has given me.