Color me Lovely

Right now I'm laying on Hannah's big bed, listening to music, and drinking a diet coke. We just went to the Museum where we were able to enjoy air conditioning and some pretty awesome artifacts. I think if I had another life to live, I'd be an archeologist and play in the dirt.

Last night we had Mama Sako and his family over to eat. There were 16 of us all together. It was fun to get to know Mama in the context of his family. He's such a caring godly man. And he's done a lot for our team. We served stir fry on rice with fruit for dessert. An American Malian meal.

The past few weeks our team has been in limbo. We are done with our classes and starting next week we will begin teaching english to university students. So we've had some free time on our hands for the first time in a while. A lot more time with each other and a lot more time to dive into whatever we do to use up time. I've been wondering lately why God has me here, what I have to offer to Mali. When I first got here, with a team that I didn't know and in a country that didn't know me, I felt like I had to start over, like I had to prove that I had something to offer. Back home people know if you're good at sports or smart or have a lot of friends- and that becomes your source of identity. So here I am in Mali and everything that I had to offer in the States isn't relevent here. Who cares if I can mess around on the piano or if I can draw? And what does being a good student or having an awesome family do for Malians? Absolutely nothing. I know it's really dumb and shallow but I feel so useless over here. And ugly. And way out of the loop. It's hard to find out who you are in another country. Because no one here knows who you are, what you have to offer. And then you realize that what you have to offer isn't really that useful in this part of the world or even important. So that's weird to get used to because even though no one here cares about that stuff, I still do, I still cling to it. Silly huh?

So I was thinking about this stuff and getting pretty frustrated with myself, pretty down and then God really laid the team on my heart. I'm a pretty independent person, I like to be self sufficient. But that's not really the definition of team is it? Being here with a group of people has been the hardest part of Mali for me. But it's also been the best. I was created for community, for fellowship, and part of me craves that. This experience must be one of the most intimate experiences of community possible. Because we literally need each other, and each other is all that we have. But at the same time, my heart can be so bad towards team. Little things like food and money and quirks about people, silly little things, can get inside of me and my head and take over my heart. Three weeks ago I really hit my climax- the bitterness and darkness of my heart was too much. I was really struggling with loving, with even wanting to love. Then I read 1 John. The part where it talks about how our hearts condemn us and that if Christ's love is not in us, then Christ isn't in us. And I lost it with myself. Here I was, in Mali, attempting to share God's love with another country, another culture, and I couldn't even love my own team. If I'm not able to love the people that I'm living with, then I certainly don't deserve to walk around on these streets and smile and shake hands and represent Him. So I met with everyone on the team individually, and I told them I was sorry, that I hadn't been loving them well and asked them how I could love them better. And I still don't really know what it means to love, what love always looks like. But he's teaching me. He's teaching me that in order to love someone, you have to love every part of them- their past, their present, their future. Their weird quirks, their thought processes, and their habits. I thought about Jesus and the woman at the well and Mary and the disciples. He loved all of them so well, and he loved them because he understood them- where they had been and what they were thinking and where they were going. So when I look back at that, at my progress and journey with the team, then I see that it's not about what I have to offer Mali, it's what God has to offer me, what Mali has to show me, and what community has to teach me. And I think, that maybe, that is why I am here. And that Love is what I have to receive and to offer and that that is enough.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 18-20