My goal was to journal up until six months after I got back, a year total. I've not been very good lately. I have all these hints of thoughts in my head, but when I try to clarify them, they disappear. I'm not always sure what I'm feeling and thinking and wanting. Sometimes I feel something familiar, but I can't place it and I don't know what triggered it.
These past months have been a struggle. But I'm not really sure I can label it as a struggle. Because most often I feel like I'm not even struggling, I'm just going. I find that I don't know who I am anymore. I'm a stranger to myself. And the reason for that is because I've hushed the part of me that most defines who I am.
I am not right in there. And the closer I get to His presence, the more blatant my complete brokenness is. And it hurts. I'm a mess in there. And I know that hearing those songs or reading His words, communing with his children- that all makes the hurt more poignant. And I'm scared of what will happen if I tap into that. That maybe I'll never stop crying. Maybe I'll lose what little stability I have left. So during the day it's easy to lie to myself. Lately I don't even have to do that. I just don't go there. I ignore it.
But at night, then it's hard. At night I miss Him. I don't sleep well, He troubles my heart. I miss loving His word and his presence in my life. I miss His joy and perspective. Most of all I miss the way He enables me to love myself.
Because without Him, I'm an ugly mess. I don't have any confidence. I have no sparkle, no will, no real love. I fail in relationships and responsibilities and life. And I don't know how to explain to people who didn't know me before that this isn't me. This is me without Him. That this isn't normal. And what scares me the most is that this is going to become normal. That I won't remember who I am with Him.
My mom asked me today what happened in Mali. I'm not sure. Maybe it wasn't Mali. Maybe this is the valley that I thought I had experienced before but never had. I have never been here before, this low, this far. I know He is the way out. But my heart still isn't willing to be vulnerable. It's hard to pray when I have no words for what is overwhelming me. It's hard to read words that pierce my spirit. And it's hard to be around those who are able to recognize my facade.
"I dont know where you're goin
But it seems like a mighty long way now
I dont know where you're goin
But it seems like a mighty long time
Since I've seen you're face
So I'm dreamin, I'm dreamin that day now
To see you
Everywhere I go and everything I do and I say now
Nothing ringing true it doesnt matter how hard that I try
Cause all I want is you so im wishing, I'm wishing I pray now
To see you"
- David Gray, Tired of Me
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