whispers

I've always been so sure. He's always been so real. My faith has always been so there. Most of my prayers were that God would keep me. That he wouldn't let me lose Him or forget Him or leave Him. I've spent my life watching those giants around me tumble. Watched them realize how big they were and forget how big He is. I've seen people who intimately knew truth forget it. I've seen friends fail to remember Him. And I knew it was His grace alone that kept my heart thirsty for Him.

I went to Mali to lose myself. I wanted to go deeper into Him and His heart. And while I was there I felt like I lost Him instead. He has always been the clear voice in my head and heart. I didn't know what to do or how to act without Him. And at the same time, I didn't want Him. Not badly enough to do anything about it. So I fumbled around for a few months. Played at life and figuring it out without Him. Without Him I was without confidence, direction, purpose, passion. I could tell the people who knew me best were worried about me. I didn't handle being needy very well. I kind of shut down.

And then I moved. I entered the adult world of work and bills and paychecks. God put me in a small town surrounded by His mountains. I've never spent so much time alone. Normally this would be heaven, I've always wanted to be a hermit. But I'm not my biggest fan right now. It's made avoiding myself hard. And it's even harder to not think about Him. I teach Bible. It made me get into the Word again. And instantly all the passages and verses that I'd prayed and cried over, the dates and notes on my pages, the memories, the pleas- they all came rushing back. I love the Word. And I realized- I never lost that love. Not for Him, not for His truth, not for His movement. It didn't leave me. He didn't remove it. I just buried it.

I'm starting to feel strong again. Sure of Him. And sure of myself. It feels good to be back. I really do love Him. So much.

In my class we're learning the stories of the Old Testament. At first the kids didn't understand God's relationship with Israel. I'm not sure if I do either. Understand the fierceness of His love for His people. The lengths He went to remove the blindness and hardness from their hearts.

Psalms 30
"When I felt secure, I said,
'I will never be shaken.'
O Lord, when you favored me,
You made my mountain stand firm;
But when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and
clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you
and not be silent.
O Lord my God,
I will give you thanks forever."