troubling

I got up early today and watched a sunrise. And it was beautiful. Calming and peaceful. It's starting again. I can feel it. The troubling. It won't let me sleep or eat. Something is happening.

He's showing me something, teaching me something. I wish my eyes were more open. I wish I was more aware.

Sometimes I wonder why I am here. I felt more purposeful at home. More efficient with my friendships and the people He gave me. I know I'm here for my kids. But I'm not sure what else. Who it is that I am supposed to meet, to listen to, to love, share myself with. And who it is that I am supposed to lean on, to learn from.

I feel like I am ready for heaven.

But I'm not done here. There's something I'm supposed to do, to be. Still.

I miss laughing. I miss knowing what the right things to say are. I miss being comfortable with people. At ease.

Maybe I'm here just for Him. For my time with Him. For working through where I've been with Him.

Sometimes I try to figure out what it was that I did wrong. When that moment that I slipped was. What it was that caused my downfall. I like to blame it on relationship and Mali. Two events that really shaped my life. Two events that weren't quite the Tasha thing to do.

But I don't think they are it.

Maybe He leaves us for a while. Just to remind us of who we are. When our pride gets large. Maybe I was close to walking away under the guise that I was still perfectly ok with Him. Maybe my relationship with Him got in the way of Him.

Sometimes I forget that my God is the God who crushed the Egyptian army, destroyed the world with water, sent His own people into slavery. Sometimes I forget how serious He is.

"These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God...

We have heard with our ears, O God;
our fathers have told us what you did in their days, in days long ago

You planted our fathers;
You crushed the peoples and made our fathers to flourish

It was not by their sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face,
for You loved them.

But now you have rejected and humbled us,
All this happened to us, though we had not forgotten you or been false to your covenant.

Our hearts had not turned back;
Our feet had not strayed from the path
But you crushed us and covered us over with deep darkness."

Psalms 42,44