I've been here, in Northern Idaho, for almost a year. I think maybe that in removing myself from my little world, I found a part of me that I hadn't met before.
I haven't had as much time to think this last month. That's probably good. But I've had little snatches of thoughts and reflections and revelations. Some of them come and then fly away before I really understand them. And then others smack right into me and won't leave.
A year ago, I felt like life was crashing down on me. I'd been back for a while and had just finished student teaching. It was a time when I wasn't right with Him and a time when I felt like I was failing all around. My whole life was a gigantic question mark and I had reached a point where I was shutting down. Sometimes we act in ways that don't become us. I was far away from Him.
My life still feels like a question mark. I think it's my favorite punctuation. It's exciting and limitless.
I went to Seattle last weekend. And as we were driving through the part of Washington that is completely empty and barren and gray, we made lists of our faults on post-its and stuck them to the roof of the car. And when we were done, we turned the music all the way up and moved in spite of them. Because no matter how ugly and hopeless we are, He is always bigger. And there's something freeing about knowing that you're His. Regardless.
This is the last week of school. I'm not sure I'm ready for summer.
And then I am so ready.
My life has been small for a while. I've learned to do small well. But I feel an inner urgency. To move. To start. To pray.
"The Great God"
"Destroy in me every lofty thought,
Break pride to pieces and scatter it to the winds.
Let angels sing for
sinners repenting,
prodigals restored,
backsliders reclaimed,
Satan's captives released,
blind eyes opened,
broken hearts bound up,
the despondent cheered,
the self- righteous stripped,
the formalist driven from a refuge of lies,
the ignorant enlightened,
and saints built up in their holy faith.
I ask great things of a great God."
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