penguin.s.

I love penguins. They are small and cute. I love that they don't fly. And their funny little walk makes me smile.

I also like them because they are: Black and White. And that is what I crave. One thing I understand about being human is this: I desperately need structure. I might think that I want variety and spontaneity. I might hate rules and schedules. But truth be told, I'm wild for predictability.

We all want answers. To everything. Where will I be in five years? Will he call? Am I going to have cute kids? Will running ever get easier? How do I really look in this skirt? Does He even hear me? And heaven. Do I really want to go there? Forever?

I thought for a while that life would keep getting greyer and greyer. And after I had that thought I felt a kind of. Despair. But lately I've been noticing. Hey, there's a little more black in my life. A little more white too. And that grey? It's turning. Fading and darkening.

Relief. Life is not as ambiguous as I feared. Good thing I'm smart enough to figure the grey away. Good thing. Grey, you've got nothing on me.

Oh no. No, no no. This is what happened. I simply began to spend more time with Him.

Why do I stop? Because I have better things to do. Because I can do without. Because I'm not sure how much I believe in all of the extras anyways. Isn't it enough that I believe in Jesus? Isn't it? Do I have to know what He believed too? That seems a little over the top. And God is never. Over the top.

My silliness frightens me. All the greying uncertainty- that doesn't come from Him. That's all us, baby. So the more time I spend with Him. Well, the darker and lighter life becomes. The more I see my sin. The more I understand good.

My classroom management plan has saved my life this year. There's a lot of energy in that room. If they don't know what they are supposed to do, they're not going to just sit there. They find something else to do. And we don't always make good choices.

So here's what I decided. I need to know how to live. Before I can live well. And I'm not big enough to see that on my own.

I have a theory. That we never outgrow the playground. We're still impressing hopeful best friends. Still strategizing attacks. Still chasing boys and then discovering that they do indeed have cooties. The only thing is, there isn't someone with a whistle anymore. There's no one telling us when to stop. No one to stick us in time out.

Good thing He lives in us. He knows how to get attention. Thank heavens. No Tasha, not that one. He's not right. Stop running. You've gone too far, come back. Just sit. Be still. Be mine. Tag! You're it.

Recess. It's the best time of day. Ask anyone.