I have had way too many cups of coffee today and they have made the butterflies in my stomach turn into bees, buzzing and stinging and swarming inside of me.

I am repeating to myself be anxious for nothing, be anxious for nothing.

I should go run, but driving to the gym isn't appealing so I do push ups until my arms burn instead.  That does nothing to wear out my mind though.  I decide that this must be when it's nice to have someone with you.  Someone who knows your fears and insecurities and can help pull you out of them.  Someone to say, life isn't about you and tomorrow will keep coming day after day no matter where you are and what you are.  The sun will keep rising.  I can feel myself slipping into a bad place.  I'd like to think that my faith is strong enough to keep my head in check.  I know God is.  But I don't always love Him or listen to Him like I should.

My life is swirling in little snatches around me.  And I feel completely alone.  I read the news about the broken people in Haiti and get even more disgusted with myself.  I tell myself that there are bigger things out there to break over.  Bigger things to sit on the couch whispering verses about.

But reason isn't helping with this one.

I got away with Him today.  I told him about the bees and my swirling life and the slipping.  I tried to read Chesterton, but my heart wasn't in it.  So I closed my book and just stared out the window, watching the cars drive by.  And then it got dark and I watched their headlights instead.  God, that's what I feel like my life is doing.  Driving by me and I don't know where it's going.  It just keeps passing, passing, passing.  I don't want to be another car on the road to nowhere, but I don't know how to pull off this time.

I am struggling.  I love Jesus.  I love where He has me, I really truly do.  But I do not love the part of life that I am in.  I think He might keep me here in this questioning, searching, crazying part until I stop.  I realized when I went home that I no longer fit well there.  And that shook me.  I am scared to fit here because it means that it will be hard to leave and I am a little tired of leaving.  I want more than anything for someone to tell me that it's ok for me to stay.  

How do you stop and follow the leader when you can't get your feet to hold still or your eyes to stay on target?  I know that I'm being ridiculous right now, God.  I know that but knowing it isn't helping tonight.  My heart is in so many places that I can't find it to reel it back in.  I think I will read the Psalms until I fall asleep.  Read the Psalms and pray and try try try to be still.