I have a confession to make.  I enjoyed Starbucks three times today.  And in my mind I can justify all three.  Now it is ten o'clock and my wise decisions seem a little silly.  But you tell me.  What else is a girl to do on a rainy day?

I should be using my hard earned energy to tidy up.  My mother is coming tomorrow and she sees the things that I don't.  Like the rain boots in my bathroom and the four, yes four, suitcases sprinkled strategically in stumbling places.

Instead I am wrapped up on the couch with a bag of sweet chili rice crisps and I'm wondering.  Am I going crazy?  Is this town finally getting to me?

I can sit through a whole dinner and not say a word.  I can meet three different people for starbucks and run out of things to talk about after seven minutes.  I look at them and feel sorry, but I can't bring myself to small talk.  It feels like an upset stomach.

What is going on Tasha.  What is your deal.

It has always taken me forever to crack open.  I switched schools in the eighth grade and went through the entire year without speaking to anyone.  I hide in books and scarves and my phone.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in people and it's all I can do to remember which way is up.

This is what I'm longing for.  Someone who doesn't let me get away with silence.  I miss home. I miss finding myself in the people who see me.

My dad told me once that it was going to take a strong person to stand with me.  I'm beginning to see why.  I'm no good when I'm left to myself for too long.  Living outside of community comes too easily. 

God, you really have to help me out tonight.  I'm headed towards a shut out.  I need some gumption.  And a little more love in my heart for change.