Today the sky was bright and I went for a drive with the wind finally inside with me and it felt wonderful to feel.  I spent a few minutes with what ifs and then I stopped myself because what ifs don't make sense.  Lately life feels like it is hanging in cob webs off of me.  Dusty and forgotten.

God I am lonely.

I am lonely and it is not because I am alone.  When I am with people it sharpens and is unbearable.  My soul is lonely.  I am tired of talking about what does not matter.  I am tired of talking.

I read Acts and it hurt.  Acts meant a lot to me when I was in Mali because it was how we had to live.  At first I hated it.  Hated that my life was constantly rubbing against someone's, hated that I had no space, no separate thoughts, no breathing air.  And then I loved it and some days I miss it with my whole body.  I ache for it.

I am not as good at talking about small things.  Small things make me feel invisible.  I would rather talk about what is really going on, I would rather use my words.  Because I need to struggle and celebrate out loud.

I checked out at the store and chatted with the clerk while she bagged my raspberries and mascara.  And the way she lit up made me realize.  She's just as lonely as I am.  We all are.  She's dying on the inside too.  I went home and got underneath the skin tonight and it was the best thing.  I sat in the hot tub and sang to the dogs and stars.  I sat in the hot tub and sang to Him.  And I was not alone, I was surrounded by heaven and that made me cry and smile all together. 


This week my kids told me that I looked like a princess in my poofy dress.

I told them that I was a princess living in a sleeping world and I desperately wanted to wake up.

Miss B, you're silly.

You're right, I am.  But it is good to be silly.