Black it is

I just went through my closets with the vengeance of five vikings.  I was completely merciless and now the bags are sadly sitting by the door.

What should I wear today?  Black.  Tomorrow?  Black.

What is left in my closet?  Black, black, black.

This morning the last razor I own snapped while I was halfway done with my first leg.  Lovely.  The only pair of black hose I could find to cover my not so hairless legs had giant polka dots on them.  And the heel of my favorite shoe wobbled off.

I walked into church and a well meaning, sweet old man told me that I looked radiant.

It was all I could do to not cry.  Radiant?  I'm falling apart over here, I don't even know what's keeping me together. 

Of course the sermon was about being in the valley.  And how important the valley is.  Of course.

You don't need to tell me that.  I knew I was headed back into it a while ago, the valley and I are pretty good friends.  Hello there, desert.  It's been a while.  You're looking great, shadow land.  And the eleventh hour?  My favorite.

I got out of there as fast as I could.  Not the best attitude, I know.  But I didn't want to snap in a sanctuary of beautifully composed strangers.

So I went home and shut the door to my room.  It turns out better when I'm contained without an audience.

Ok God.  You already know, but I'm going to tell you anyways.  I am really having a hard time here.  And nothing is helping this time.  Not running, not driving, not books. 


I'm just fed up.  This world is wearing on me and I'm starting to disappear.  I've forgotten why I'm here.  I don't understand anymore.  

And the more time I spend with You, the more restless I get.  I feel like I'm missing something.  I know we're going to get through this, we do each time.  I know I should say that I'm excited about what I'm going to learn.  But honestly, I'm sitting in bed in my pjs at 4:00 in the afternoon and I just threw away all of my favorite things.  

Self destructing?  Maybe.

Good thing I have a Savior.  Good thing He is way bigger than me.  And deep down, I know what's going on.  Sometimes the past raises its head and messes with mine.  In a week I'll laugh and call myself crazy.  And I'll probably save the color from my give away bags.  But for now, black it is.