My kiddos started school on Tuesday.

I had a hard time because I knew I was missing out.  There is something perfect about new hair cuts and first day of school clothes and summer stories.

Instead I was stuck in a stuffy room of college students who all had something to prove and nothing to say.

You fools.  You're missing the whole point of it.  Don't you know what she's talking about?  She's searching for God.  And she's realizing that she's trapped by her humanity.  This isn't about the revolution or feminism or nirvana.  You're all crazy and I'm tired of listening to it.  Pay attention.   Wake up.  And put your head back on your shoulders.

Feminism.  Really?

I wasn't in a gracious mood.  Usually I am and I can stomach their silly conversations.  But I had just spent the night driving.  And the morning studying.  And I was tired of it all.

I had the best weekend.  We played in the water and laid in the sun.  We talked about our struggles and carried each other.

And on the way back, Tania and I drank cheap coffee from gas stations and watched the sun leave the sky.  She read out loud to me and danced with her feet on the dash and talked seriously about family.  We played truth or truth, strip style.

Luckily we love telling the truth, so there was no indecency.

I say luckily, but part of me would have been thrilled to speed down the road, free as a bird.

Somehow we got on the subject of fear.

I told her I'm terrified of rejection.

What?  You're the only girl I know who is this terrified of it, the only girl I know who hasn't ever been rejected and is this scared.

I know.  But you know, in ways that seem little but feel large, I have been.  Sometimes I watch them with their fast girls or their ordinary girls or their convenient girls and I want to scream.

I'm right here.  Look.  Don't you see me?  Am I not worth it?  Can't you push yourself a little, maybe say no for a while, be alright with being alone until you find what you're really looking for?  

It's worth it, isn't it?  Isn't it?


And some day, when you're tired of your easy decision, I'll be there.  You'll see me and I'll feel sad.  Because I knew you were worth it before you learned how to open your eyes.  Before you saw.

I told her that I know too many boys who can't sleep at night.  And too many girls who don't understand why.  Too many couples who play that game we played as children.  The one where someone is the mother and someone is the father and there are pretend children who take pretend naps and eat pretend food.

Rejection is usually passive and so it sneaks by and isn't noticed.  But I notice what I wish I didn't and I miss what I'd like to catch.  And it leaves me feeling cheap.  It leaves me praying, Jesus help my unbelief. 

I've prayed for him since the day I realized how hard waiting is, since the day I realized the power in words.

I pray that he struggles instead of slides.  I pray that he goes through hard things, that he has a shape to his soul.  I pray for character and innocence and wisdom.

I pray that when we meet, he'll see me.

And Tania baby, I'm ready to be seen.