Yesterday was lovely.  I can't think of a better word for it.

I woke my friend and we walked around a lake.  We walked in crunchy leaves and we wore scarves and we talked about the ugly parts of life.

I love that kind of thing.  It makes me gloriously and wildly happy.

I dropped her off and met another friend and her puppy in a park.  We brought books and journals and I know I've always said that I want to be a hermit, but times like these make me absolutely love being human.

The last few days I have woken up sad.  I have those days sometimes, but it has happened a lot lately.  Being outside made it a little better.  Sometimes I feel so alone.  And being around people usually makes it worse.  I woke up this morning and my first thought was, Jesus please.  I opened my curtains and the day made me want to run outside and hide under my pillow all at once. 

I'd really love it if you'd sit beside me this morning.  I want to feel arms this morning.

For a while I didn't know where the sadness came from.  I drove around for a quarter a tank one night.  Trying to find it.  

But while I was talking yesterday I found it.  It's because of what has happened here.  The people I love have moved so far from what they thought they'd be.  From what they wanted to be.  And when I am sitting with them, they remember.  I can see it cross their face. 

They've forgotten how to talk about Him.  They've forgotten.

I can see the emptiness and it is deep.  But I can also see that it isn't enough.  They aren't going to come back, not yet.  Something has gone terribly wrong.

And it is not okay.

My prayers are long.  I am carrying them around with me, I am carrying them close to me.  I am reminding the Lord of Isaiah.  Of how He longs to restore us.  Of that great, large word.  Redemption. 

I'm not sure if sadness is the right word.  I'm trying to find one that fits the feeling that shakes my soul badly.  Every time I hear a story, it becomes a part of me, shapes me a little.  And the quitting stories remind me of my weakness.  They frighten the part of me that understands how close we all are to lost.  They make me run to His words.  And they give me an overwhelming longing for strong, steady arms. 

I am not lost.  I am walking in His grace.  And I am clinging to His power because I need Him.  I can not do it without Him.  I can not quit.

They smile when I talk about Him.  Maybe they are pacifying me.  A friend told me once that I make people uncomfortable, that I shouldn't ask those questions. 

But someone needs to ask.  This is what happens when we don't question ourselves.  We slide over.  We lose.  And I am so tired of seeing the emptiness.  Look.  He didn't make us to wander through life.  He didn't make us for happiness.  He didn't make us to simply make it to the end.

If you believe anything, believe that He made you for greatness.  That He made you to fight, to struggle, and to fall on your knees in the hardest moments.  He made us to waken love. 

He did not make us to sleep.

There's no time for that.