I slept in today for the first time since I have been here.   Well I woke up early, but I saw my face in the mirror and knew that my body was not going to love my habits much longer.

So I went back to bed and it was lovely.  I dreamed of my grandparents and Christmas and getting an excellent on my project.

I started reading some of Augustine's Confessions, I thought it would be interesting to read the ones he wrote while he was pursuing higher education.  And it is.  Sometimes I sit in my desk reading before class starts and it's all I can do to not stand up and say, listen- this is it, this is what we're all trying to do.  And look, it can eat you if you're not careful.  It can  become your life and steal all your passion and you can forget. 

Other times I stand in the hall before it is time and in my head I am reminding myself.  Tasha you are His.  And He is the source of all wisdom.  Of all knowledge and power and good.  That is who He is and He is your God. 

Last night I went to happy hour with some new people and when I left I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep.  I wake up at night.  So I bought Scrabble and some crackers and cheese.  At one point I laughed, I think it was when I scored a killer triple word and I did a little dance in my bed and while I was doing my dance I realized that someday someone is going to find out how crazy I am. 

Maybe by then I won't be so in love with the night.  Or Scrabble and crackers.

I had to make a hard decision a couple weeks ago.  And some days it is still a hard decision.  It is one of those decisions that is so hard, you don't even realize that it needs to be made.  It's not the natural thing to do, to make a choice about it.

And he didn't understand when I tried to explain.  Not until the very end and then he had no words.  It was one of those decisions that is pretty clear once you see it, you just have to see it.

One of my friends called from that small town that I love and she told me her news and then I told her mine and she said, Tasha you're so strong.  And I laughed because I am not strong at all, I am just determined and desperate. 

And tired of falling in love with who people might be.  It's an exciting, intoxicating thought, but it's not a safe one to love.  I told her sometimes I'm strong because I'm scared.  What if he never sees what I do when I see him?  What if he simply does not care about divine purpose and grace and Him.  That sounds like heartbreak. 

I do not understand all of these people I meet, I do not understand it when they tell me that they don't know why they are here.  They don't know what is after here.  And they aren't sure what here really is.

The part I do not understand is this: how does that not disturb you?  Keep you up late, keep you searching, keep you on the edge of desperate.  How are you okay inside.

It makes me very sad.  And very hopeful.  Because I do know.  And I know Him and His overwhelming love for them. 

That is hope.

And that is a thought worth falling in love with.