I am sitting at Scooters and even though I woke up at a terribly small hour, I still have nothing to show for it.  And I'm okay with that.  Really.

In my theory and pedagogy of composition class, we talk about drafting and revising and editing and I shrink down in my chair a little because those are words that I do not practice.  I do enough of that in my head, all day, I can not handle the idea of doing it intentionally.

Sometimes I feel like my days consist of collecting.  Words, thoughts.  And then stringing them together into sentences and paragraphs and meaning.  Right before I break them down again, line them up and interrogate them.  Then patch them back up, use them a bit more gently.

And get up the next morning, ready to war again.

I woke up three times last night, flipped open my computer, wrote some grand sentence, and then slipped back to sleep.  It's becoming automatic and it makes me very sad.

What makes me even sadder is the clunky words I've started using.  Those stuffy academic discourse words that make me feel false, like I'm lying when I speak with them on the page.  Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt like writing, but the wrong words kept coming out.

These dinosaurs have taken up all of my space.

Greedy beasts.

Today is a big day.  Every day is a big day, but Tuesdays are supposed to me small, relaxing days.  Instead I schedule dental appointments and library dates. 

Yesterday I meant to go through Arbys and I found myself at the Wendy's window instead.  I asked for the chicken salad sandwhich and the poor man did not know how to help me.  What do you do?  I'll tell you what.  You order a greasy hamburger instead and promise yourself a little more sleep. 

Promises, promises. 

Last night, my presentation did not go as well as it should have.  I drove away, going over what I did say, going over what I didn't say.  Hating words even more than usual.  And begging God for a distraction.  Of course He came through for me.  Two words: Red Hair.  You really should try it, it opens all of the doors you see.

And I have a feeling that another good story is in the making.  We'll see if there are any tricky bathrooms this time.