Today I am in one of those indescribably sad moods, my body feels heavy with it so that every step feels impossibly hard and every breath really hurts somehow.  I read a novel about an artist who couldn't keep his brilliant mind in this world and so he walked away from what it had for him, his family and beautiful wife and for a whole year he refused to speak, he painted in silence while the doctors and people who had belonged in his life tried to piece him together.

I think the author wanted me to hate the painter, but I couldn't. 

I spent the morning in and out of bed, flipping through old pictures, listening to old music.  I looked at the clock and then I flew- into the dress that makes me feel like a ballerina, downstairs to let the dog in and to manage my hair, out the door eight minutes later and driving faster than I should have.

I love to drive fast.

The sermon was good, great even.  But I couldn't wait to get outside, the whole time I was in that chair I dreamed about running.  I couldn't keep my hands still and then I knew it was going to be one of those days.  At brunch my father asked me if I was on the highway or a rambling side road when he asked me about life and my mother answered for me, but all I could think about was how terrible I am with directions, how plans make my heart slow down, how sleepy I was.

I stretched out and dreamed the same dream I've been having for a while now and it is not letting me rest.  When I woke up I stayed for a while and tried to think, rationally.  I am coming up on my last semester and then I am done.  Done!  I have to decide if it will be a semester of classes or a semester of thesis writing.  I am very excited about my class options, just thrilled.  But I know myself.  I'm going to have a midlife crisis and want to go back to school and I'm going to need that thesis.  Part of me doubts I make it to midlife, as ridiculous as it would be, I think I could stay in school forever.

I'm borderline weepy today, I don't know what my problem is lately.  Tasha, you're too silly, you're so silly.  When are you going to just even out, take it for what it all is.  Maybe it is coming home to an empty house this weekend.  Maybe it is the silence I've been living in.  Or maybe I just really need to get on a road.  Instead I ran to the store, it was past time I purchase some woman articles and I threw a mini fit when I walked into the section.  It took everything in me to not buy the large, baggy, awful, tan ones.  I suppose some part of me did not want to be female today, at least not a young one.

Today I wanted to be very, very old. 

And now I have this paper staring at me, something I am supposed to submit for publication and the idea of it makes my stomach sink.  It is mine and I am not sure I care to get paid for my words, to share it.  Or maybe I am just being a baby about the revisions.  That is a large possibility.

I want a puppy.  On Mondays maybe and Thursdays.