Because tonight I am so distracted by him.

He took me to Sante's for mimosas but all I could see was Auntie's and the lovely, lovely books.  And then his absence, the card telling me of the search, walking into the store and  finding the marked books, reading the love letters inside, climbing the stairs and finding him above the store.  Opening that last card, that last book.  Turning to chapter 13 Somebody's Girl, staring at the ring inside the pages, him on his knees, me with teary eyes.

The letters from his parents after.  And then the letters from mine.  The weekend in the beautiful hotel with our friends, dinner and drinks, a movie, staying up late with candy and still feeling like I was standing on those stairs staring at him, completely surprised.

Massages, shopping, Broadway.  The drive home.  Working words like marriage, covenant, fiance through our minds.  Squeezing hands.  Working through the first week, working through expectations, succeeding.  Sitting with our parents, celebrating.  Calling my sister, asking her if this is how it is supposed to feel, asking her if I was okay.  And then listening to my father.  Falling further in love with little things: his walk, his face when I push him, tickles, his apologies, forgiveness.

Planning our celebration.  Preparing our bodies, our minds.  Mailing letters, late night phone calls, wonderful presents.  Traveling to my brother, helping them to love each other, feeling unbelievably blessed.  Waking him up early on the way to work, him packing his car and driving fourteen hours, me rushing into mine that night and driving the missing seven.

The way he prays.  The way he loves my mind.  The way he stares.  Our love of Him, of holiness, of the truth of waiting.

There is a way for everything to work together and to work together for good.  There is a God who takes the pieces of who we are and reworks them, presses a little firmer into our souls, strengthens us.

A God who does not leave us alone forever.

I am learning small things: how to read another person, how to be a sinner in love, how to live alongside someone, how to share.  I am blown away by large things: how much more desperate I am for Christ, my falls, the difference between understanding and forgiveness, the difference between my heart and my mind.

I find myself in Psalms, I can not leave.  I find myself reading those promises I have believed, clung to and walked away from, finding my way back-- reading them now and covering them with praise.