Nate has learned that every once in a while, even if I am acting perfectly fine and happy, he needs to ask me how I am really doing and I have learned that every once in a while, even if things seem right and nice, I need to step away and sit with myself.

And then there are the times when it is overwhelmingly obvious: Tasha something is off and you're not quite getting this day.  And if I manage to keep away from the bed and the British television and try to pin down a purpose for that day, I am not as upset with myself at the end of it.

Today's list
gym
laundry
dishes
write
dinner

Oh, life has changed.

I love my husband.  Love him.  I love that we both kept looking until we found each other.  I love how deep life is with him.  I love our fights.  I love our messes.

I love this town.  Love it.  I love the quiet beauty of the lake and the loud beauty of the hills.  I love what my body can do here.  I love its smallness.  I love its limits.

I love this season.  Love it.  I love the newness.  I love the sharing.  I love the assurance of support and prayers and great things to come.

Still, I am surprised by all three.

I live with a man.  I am growing older with a man.  I talk to him every day; every night we eat together and clean the kitchen and go for a walk or watch a movie or go out for a drink.  Last night I woke early in the morning and I stared at him until I fell back to sleep.  What a strange thing we are.

I am living in a town I have already said goodbye to.  A town I moved to without believing I would stay long.  I am re-meeting friends, re-interviewing.  Mostly I am remembering the way this part of the world shaped me and bracing myself for what else it has in store.

I am a wife.  I get asked to bring sides and desserts to dinners at people's homes.  I use a crockpot.  I am reading books on marriage and sex and love.  I am supported by a man and I feel apologetic.  I am not a student.  I am not a teacher.  I am not sure what I am from 7 to 4, yet.  But I am working on it.

We have been married four months today and it feels like we have always been together, today.  Tonight we are going to celebrate ourselves and promises and then we are going to work on month 5 and I love it already.

Soon it will be the end of the leaves and the beginning of the great cold. Soon the days will shorten even more, draw further into themselves while they wait what is coming out.  And it is a bit of a relief- the changing and the way it pulls me along, promising to return but in a new way.