inexpressible joy

I had the best day today. The sun was so bright, it got me up early. So I had breakfast with the grandparents and walked with them. I love the way they talk and the stories they tell and the way they see the world. I have a lot to learn from them.

I found a Tasha spot yesterday. I was on a walk with my aunt and I spotted it. I've been looking for it for a long time, and it's perfect. So I went back today. Did a little dance to scare away the snakes and spiders and sat in the sun watching the water. It was good to be alone with Him. After a while a sweet dog came and sat with me and I read the Psalms to him. Some things are meant to be spoken. Meant to be heard.

I talked to Him about where I'm at in my heart. How I wish I was better at being the church and the salt and the light and the fragrance of Him. How I wish I pursued Him like I pursue myself. I'm so glad I have His grace. I don't trust myself. I know my capacity for sin. And the way my heart chases and idolizes. And that terrifies me. I love Him for taking my tired moments and redeeming them. For taking my mistakes and weaknesses and turning them into beauty.

I don't know why I do a lot of things. It's scary how one day I can go from doggedly pursuing Him to barely caring. There's this conflict inside of me, this battle against myself. I want His clarity, but I give in to life's blur. I crave His peace, but I listen to life's fears. I need His love, but I skim the surface. I chase the world and leave my Spirit behind.

And once I do manage to push through the emotional fog, the highs and lows, once I make it out of that and I'm standing with just the reality of Him and the reality of me, then I'm at a loss. As to why I haven't pushed through more often. Because it's the greatest place to be and I feel so full and right then. And I feel like doing something completely foolish and silly and crazy. That's what His love does to us. I felt like jumping in the lake and swimming forever. I felt like laughing until I hurt.

I think He calls us to be foolish. To trust Him with life. Live a little more recklessly and a little less safely. I wish I was better at foolish.

"Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy."
I Peter 1:8