I am laying in bed with my books and I am wearing my favorite glasses.  I am happy because it sounds like a waterfall in my room.  I have not been sleeping well out here.  The dogs howl at night under my window and it was beginning to show in the way I walked the next day.  Three nights of throwing the window open and using a deep scary voice that I had never heard before has left me hoarse and haggard.

But right now I can hear the waterfall coming down through the speakers and I am at ease.

On Sunday a friend taught me how to buck hay and I was exhilarated for hours.  Last night I heard my scary voice and fell on the floor laughing.  I love meeting new parts of myself.

That is what I love most about people.  He gave us an amazing ability to change and grow.

I have dated only one boy seriously and what I learned about myself when I was with him was earth shattering to me.  It was like discovering a new person except that person was me and so I was living in a constant state of unfamiliarity within myself.  And I grew.

I used to avoid people under the age of twenty and now I can not get enough of children.  When I am with them I feel closer to myself.  When I am with them I get a glimpse, a taste of what freedom really is.

I never thought that I would live anywhere smaller than home.  Because the city is inside of me.  I love the traffic and the lights and the phenomena of being alone in a crowd.  That doesn't happen here because here people are known.  And part of me understands myself better for it. 

My greatest fear in life aside from falling away from Him is becoming comfortable.  Because I have met myself when I am comfortable.  I have had to live inside of my head and carry my selfish heart and I don't think that God made me to do comfortable well.  I reach farther when I'm not cushioned by life.

I get sad when I hear people say I could never do that.  I get sad because I know that if they would, they'd fall a little deeper into life and they might understand a little better that we lose our shape if we aren't careful.   I want to tell them that it's okay to get a little dirty and falling isn't as bad as you remember, I promise.  I want to tell them that sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to crack a bit.  This is why we have a God.  This is why .

He didn't make us to live safely.  I think He wants us to find safety in Him.  Not in our clean cars and spotless houses and modest accounts.  And that is hard for me to remember.  But when I do, I thank Him for the uncomfortable