Who, who, who.

I have a blister on each foot, right between my red polished toes.  I felt something funny yesterday and when I discovered the source, I beamed down at them.  Welcome, first signs of spring.  Welcome.  I took a walk with a friend and I couldn't bear to keep my feet covered any longer.  Flip flops, it's your time.  I move a little carelessly in sandals and it makes me feel like color in a black and white world.

And then last night I finally, finally saw Alice in Wonderland.  And after I dreamed of an airy blue dress and my own personal hole to fall into.  It was lovely and perfect.

The part that haunts me, always, even when I was young, is the blasted caterpillar.

And who are you?

Every time I hear those words, something inside of me tightens a bit and I want to hide with her.  I want to scream at him to leave her alone, you big bully.  You fool, how are we supposed to know?

Tasha, who in the world are you?  I was spread out in bed earlier this week with that question that starts when we are small.  On my back, staring up at the ceiling, feet at the head and head at the bottom and thinking, thinking.

Well, I'll tell you.  I am drawn to great character.  I read children's books and take life out on the piano.  I am most at peace when I am with Him.  There is a part of me that is always warm, even when it is cold everywhere else.  I cry more for other people than I do for my life.  I fall frequently.  I say the wrong things.  I feel older than I am.  I am desperate to be about Him.   And I thirst.  A crazy, strong thirst for love and that terrifies me more than any of my faults.

I have been struggling with love this week.  There are days when I am not sure why I am holding out.  Pressing on and chinning up and looking forward- I am tired of them all.  I'm ready to be there now, please.  Let's get this show on the road.  Let's skip over the rabbit trailing and goose chasing and side tracking.

No?

And then I knew.  And the words curled around inside of me and wrapped around the oldest parts of me and silenced my soul.

I am fond of you.  I am so, so fond of you.  Chin up.  Press on.  Look ahead. 

I was there for a long time, I forgot about time.  For a while, He was all that mattered. 

Chin up.  He is so very fond of us.