Last week I met with a friend who is steady in ways that most aren't.  We had coffee and sat in cushy chairs and then she asked me the question.

Tasha, why are you in school?

I have seven pretty good answers worked out for that one.  I usually pick one that I haven't used recently because everyone and their brother seems to be wondering about my school decision.  Didn't you love teaching?  Weren't you happy where you were?

Well yes.  Yes I was learning how to be happy.  And I miss my kids at least twice a day.  Waking up is different now in a sad way.

I tell them that it's because I love school.  Or that I wanted a challenge.  That my sister needed me.  That I want to be a real writer someday.

But when she asked me, I looked at her and sighed.

I'll tell you why.

Because I don't know that there's someone out there for everyone.  That sounds too perfect to me and we don't live in a perfect place.  I'm going back to school because I need to plan on being by myself.  I'm going back to school because I haven't met him yet and I'm not sure there is a him.

I'm okay with these thoughts six days a week.  The seventh day gets me down, but it's only for a day.

What is hard for me to think about is this.  I don't want to make financial decisions for the rest of my life.  I don't want to buy cars alone or decide where to move.  I'm awful with budgets.  Terrible at using a hammer.  And I hate mowing the lawn.

Those seem small.  Maybe even absurd.  But I'm being honest.

I sat down with my mom tonight and spilled it all.  I am so tired of men who do not make me feel like a woman.  And mom, it's the Christians that I feel most invisible around. 

I am drawn to the wrong men.  I know that.  But part of me is upset with the right men, whoever they are.  Where are you?  Where in the whole wide world are you?

I do not want to marry a polite polished pushover.  I want someone who is blaringly good and blaringly bad.  someone who struggles in a real way.

Someone who will tell me that my dress looks better than nice.