I should be writing a personal essay with research.
Or studying for my Linguistics Exam.
Or working on my conversation analysis.
Have I mentioned that I have a permanent ache in my stomach. And that I repeat be anxious for nothing, be anxious for nothing while I fall asleep.
I really want to like it all, the classrooms and the students and the sidewalks and textbooks and notes. But I don't. It feels like a waste of life. And my passion is getting smaller and smaller.
That is no good.
Me: I might quit. I might run away without even packing.
Travis: You can't quit, you've already started.
Me: Yeah. But I could.
Travis: You have to finish what you start.
Me: I hate that rule.
The problem is, I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing. I feel blah about everything, not just school. And it feels wretched.
I don't even like books anymore. I can barely make it through movies. Conversation makes me tired and weepy.
Then I hear really sad news. About death and separation and despair. And I get even more frustrated with myself. You see Tasha, that is something worth mulling over. Something worth being distraught and disturbed about.
But it doesn't change the fact. I feel like I'm slipping away inside. To a place I don't want to go to again. What in the world does He have me here for. And when did I stop caring.
I'm a bratty mess on the inside.
A big bratty mess.
mean reds. but remember you can only let them have a day, not a week or a month, only a day.
ReplyDeletei heard this song first thing this morning and it made me cry for so many reasons. but it made me realize that He is still with us.
And we need to praise Him Tash, he does so much above and beyond what we need. Every day, He is constant when we are not. I LOVE you, I love your heart.
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
Hang in there my friend. I hope God speaks to your heart because all I can say is you are amazing, wonderful and I miss you!
ReplyDeleteFood for thought: Wild Goose Chase by: Mark Batterson- Ch 4 especially.
ReplyDeleteI always knew you were a brat!
ReplyDeleteThe biggest of brats.
ReplyDeleteShar, I miss you. And the sweetness of Sandpoint.
And M. You are married now. I am so glad for you. Thanks for that song, the words are perfect.