Every Thursday I let out a sigh of relief. 
And every Sunday I hold my breath again.

The countdown has started.  It will be so nice to feel twenty-five after all of this.  I'm not sure what I'll do first.  Take a huge nap, stay out late without the coffee and books, or wash my hair more than twice a week. 

Yeah, it's that bad.

Lately I've been best friends with Thomas the doubtful.  I want to slam my books shut, throw them off the table, and scream.  Okay God, I got it wrong.  I thought this was the next move in my life, but it can't be.  I made the wrong choice, picked the wrong path.  There's no way this can be right.  No blessed way.

I don't love it.  I barely like it most days.  And surprise!  I'm not as clever as I thought I was.  It's not a breeze, I'm not interested, and most days I feel overwhelmingly tired.  Weary.  Done.  And desperately lonely, the misunderstood kind of lonely.

The Starbucks guy asked me how I was tonight and my honest answer took him aback.  Tonight?  Tonight is a struggling night.  It seems like I've had a lot of them lately.  He was quiet and I was worried I wasn't going to get my latte but then he half smiled and said I know just what you mean.
 
And it felt like relief because sometimes I feel like everyone else knows something that I don't.  But really, I know it too, I just don't always believe it.  Tonight we watched a man talk about the church and I got a little nervous.  I'm just tired of the talk, talk, talk, but he had something really great to say.

He talked about his trip to the jungle.  And about the guards that had to sleep with them because of the baboons and lions and crocodiles.  Because of the danger.  And then he talked about his trip to the zoo a week after he got back to the states.  And he wondered if the church does to Christians what the zoo does to animals. 

I wanted to rewind and listen to it five more times. 

That's what I've been missing lately.  I've let myself become a safe, tame human.  And so on the way home I told myself.  Self, you are here, and you are going to be here for a while.  Move on with it.  And let's get the show on the road already.  Since when do you spend so much time worrying and thinking about what else you can worry about.  Don't you know He has it all under control and that He uses all of our flops for good.  You live for the God who speaks something out of nothing, who brings redemption from ruin, who wants You for forever.

So on those days and those nights when it is hard to believe that here is where I am supposed to be I am going to shake my head.  Maybe even stomp my foot.  No Tasha, those thoughts are not for you.  Because no matter where I am, I am still a wild creature.  One that was made to live a little dangerously, a little madly, and to leave a mark wherever I go.