I was propped in bed today, reading a memoir that has been on my list for a while and loving my blankets when I had a thought. 
I have not prayed in so long.

It made me a little sad, sitting there.  I mean, I have the rushed I really want to eat prayers down.  And the Jesus please, please help prayers down.  But it has been so long since I have sat down to pray without needing anything or wanting anything except Him.

It has been a long time since I have talked to Him.  And then I realized something else.  I am desperate for Him and I am drowning myself in it.  I'm throwing everything I can think of into my heart, tackling human after human, project after project.  And when I do that I always reach the part where I vow to never leave my room or love another person or care at all about anything.

Because I get so tired without Him. 

I curled there, thinking, sifting, sorting through all the madness.  Well it's been a while and I know You know, but it helps me to tell You, to see how they measure when it's You I'm talking to.  I feel myself slipping into the phasing thing again.  You know, that thing I do when I want something exciting to happen.  I thought maybe he was it, but he wasn't.  And so then I tackled that research like it was my life, only it bored me to death.  And now there's this new distraction, but I think I'm tired of being distracted.

I know it's dangerous to say this, that these words are heavy and hold meaning, but God I need you to strip me down to the good again.  I'm not going to give some of this up easily, I'm going to fight You.  Some days I will be so angry.  But I know I'll lose and God, I really need a good loss. 

Here's the truth.  I am ready to kick life around a little.  My Jesus came a long time ago and this world still doesn't know quite what to do with Him.  And I am supposed to be about Him.  That's what I tell myself when I get those looks, those You're really different, but in a nice way comments.  Great, that's really great.  So great and I want to sit down with them and say, listen.  We weren't made to be just okay.  We were made to grow, to be broken and healed and full of fire.  And this life, it is nothing.  Nothing at all compared to what's coming.  Let's stop milling around and get ready, let's light this blasted place up.

Because no one belongs in the dark.  No one.