If I had to draw a picture of my life right now, I would draw a tornado of whirling puzzle pieces.  That is exactly what I would draw.

And if I had to use a word to say how I feel about my whirling tornado of a life, I would use exhilarating.

I'm a little addicted to the unknown.  I'm a little resentful of it too, but I'm not sure what I would do without it.  There's something maddeningly wonderful about not knowing what your life is going to look like in a few months.  Something splendid about shopping online for little studio apartments and schools and vehicles.

I was a little disappointed at first.  The thought of moving back felt like a bit of a let down.  But the more I think about it, the more excited I get.  I told my good friend, I'm going to pretend I'm a stranger.  I'm going to find new favorite places and people and I'll still go to dinner by myself sometimes, just to revel in that feeling of being alone in a busy place.

I woke at four yesterday and could not sleep.  It felt like the world was waiting for me to get up, waiting for me to leap out of bed and get the show on the road already.  So I went through my closet.  I am determined to leave with as little as possible.  I want to make it on small things.  I started going through my books, but I ended up opening them and I got lost.

Every one is asking me when I will leave and I just tell them that I don't know.  Maybe I will open my calendar and pick whichever day my pen lands on.  Abbie has sent me emails from google maps of the best ways to get home.  A National Parks tour.  Or a small town tour.  Maybe a family tour.

Sometimes I worry that I chose school just so I wouldn't have to make another big decision for a few years.  But then I think about what school means for my future and my dreams get big.  It is nice to have big dreams again. 

Part of me was a little upset with God.  We had it out one night.  I've fallen hard for this town and its people and I didn't understand why He didn't let me fall hard for someone here.  I still don't really, only I'm ok with it now.  Maybe I'm one of those.  Maybe I'm not meant to fall that way.  Or maybe I'm too good at catching myself and one day I'll learn how to just let go.  Maybe doing that with my life is the first step.  And if so, I'm headed in the right direction.